If ever a time comes where I doubt that there is a God, I will remember the gift he gave me in you. If ever I open my lips to question if God spoils his children with things on earth, my mind will immediately drift towards all thoughts of you. I will be forever thankful to him for seeing fit to give me a little piece of heaven here on Earth through you. I cherish every detail of you from the radiant glow of that natural brown Neutrogena moistened skin to the extra breaths you take when you sleep, which I now love because it’s another reminder that you are here with me. Who will forget the image of your every move, each step more powerful in creating memories in my heart then the last; when you walk around that full body halo brightens up the room. How can 1 heart produce another, better yet 3 hearts outside of her own body that beat the strongest when she’s around? When you leave if only for an hour my cardiac rhythm is just not the same. It was as I came into my womanhood and started to grow in my faith that I realized the significance of our relationship. It is because of it that I understand what Christ like love looks like. You are the epitome of Proverbs 31, and with every non-tangible gift you have given me I can’t help but imagine giving it back tenfold to my future daughters.
The other day someone asked me, “Why do I love my mother so much?” A question so easy to answer, yet I decided to let my thoughts drift in silence anyway. What it brought back to the forefront of my mind was enough to bring me to tears with the thought of losing you alone. Times that I now know to be you focusing on your personal goals and still mothering at the same time. Beautiful Sunny days beaming into the numerous long vertical windows of our house at the time, birds chirping happily outside, meanwhile inside you would call us to gather the bristle brush, short towel, the bottle of shampoo and conditioner, and with no help you would wash three heads of hair aside from your own. The hair wash would include a life changing massage that was guaranteed to wash away whatever weekly worries young kids had at the time. Every weekend you would blow-dry it to perfection and style each head distinctly to our personalities. I never heard a moan out of you in fact every memory I have of you exemplifies love. I remember you packing all three of our Barbie themed bikes into the big red minivan, with these bikes we would follow you around the parks winding path as you walked back into the healthy life you desired. Ironically, it was that same Red minivan that you would later sell to CarMax to get money in hopes of continuing to feed the three of us. I will never forget the day you entered the house exasperated and dehydrated over what I now googled to be a 23 min walk home in 90-degree weather, which was approximately 4.4 miles and included trudging over a dangerous busy highway. Not only did the tears fall as I sat you down and removed your shoes and brought you the biggest coldest gallon of water we had left in the fridge, but my heart cried as well the same cry I would feel when you would spend weeks in the hospital after nearly passing out at a bus stop, your young body tired creating illnesses underneath the surface no longer willing to remain dormant would arise demanding rest. I vowed to get you out of such predicaments
If it weren’t for you I wouldn’t know who Jesus is and when those hard times arose in my adult life where I failed, cried, screamed in defeat with a heart of frustration, experienced what felt to be a dismantled heart, and saw the end of hope and what it held in store for me; In those times it was the way you trained me up in the way I should go that I came back from my attempt to depart from what you led me to all along the love of Jesus Christ my lord and savior. I’ve seen what perspective can do for a person, all along I was denying a relationship with God because of the pain and misfortune I felt came with the life. It was the lack of sound doctrine and real life applications, that had my belief misconstrued and stuck on, “If you walk with Christ you won’t struggle”. I grew up to realize in fact, that what you had in all these occurrences was exactly what I longed for. A relationship with Christ where I would deny what I deemed fit for my life and instead focus on a life that would bring glory to a father that demanded to have all of me. To be able to stand in a burning furnace and come out untouched, because it was God who was with me all along. It was you who showed me that the relationship with Christ changes the way we react to these inevitable hard times and that after we have done all that we can humanly do, we must remove our hands from the situation and stand firm on a foundation of faith because it is our heavenly Father who is responsible for the outcome-not man. In my worse moments, I can say that the little mustard seed of faith I possessed shone through in my heart and it was enough to have God react and consistently work on me with grace and unwavering love.
It is no wonder that a conversation of my mother brings me to a conversation of Jesus. How can it not when they both loved me right into the arms of my Heavenly Father God? No single holiday can ever be enough to honor you and there are not enough words in a song to express my gratitude to who you are in my life. You always created a way. You always prevailed. I am forever indebted. I am forever transformed.
To forever giving you your flowers while you are here because my gratitude is bigger than my regret will ever be,
No picture that I take or hug that I give will ever be enough to capture a piece of you that I desperately need with me forever.
Simply Janeen ❤