Mourning the loss of an Estranged Friend

Do you know what’s stronger than pride and ego? Death. In its finality, it has a way of one-sidedly mending estranged relationships. 

Nothing could ever prepare you for losing someone you once called a friend. The shock is unexplainable. Feeling like death is closer than ever and just looming all over. It’s scary that we don’t know the day or the hour. Some go old, some young. No matter the circumstance, you never think it’ll happen to you or someone close to you. Or at least you hope it won’t.

I lost a friend this past week. I tried to do what I usually do; block painful things out and act like it doesn’t exist, but this one? I just could not. The intense feelings kept rising to the surface. You see, at the time of her passing, we were estranged. Our relationship timeline went like this:

A teammate. A friend. Family. Laughs. Sleepovers. Encouragement. Graduations. An estranged friendship. Years of silence. A death. Regret. Sadness.

Breaking it down in this way put time into perspective. Time is short, it is uncertain, and it can be unkind. I’ve known Shyra since middle school when we became teammates. Our relationship blossomed when she came out to the same college I was attending. It was there that we became family. Thinking back to college, we would always talk about the future.

In college, we plan for who will be the first.  The first to marry The first to bear children  But never in a million years do we think of the first – to pass away.

Even now, as I sit here and write these words to filter out my thoughts, I refuse to believe you’re gone. Someone full of life. Full of spark. Full of personality. Full of confidence. With all of that, I just knew you could overcome anything. It shouldn’t be you.  

While you weren’t perfect, no one is. You were still sunshine on a cloudy day. You held the contagious laughter that could lighten a moment. I chuckle just thinking of it. Even during our silent season, I never wished for any hurt to come near you. And to see the pictures from what I imagine now to be your last days, I can’t help but ache on the inside knowing that I had no idea what you were struggling through. 

In my mind, you were happy and thriving, and that was enough for me. But to know that it’s possible, that this wasn’t the case; To know that I created a false narrative in my head to justify the estrangement, makes me sick in my stomach. I lost you this past week, and the chance for reconciliation is gone forever. 

I couldn’t post a picture of you I didn’t think I deserved the right.  I tried not to cry I didn’t deserve the right.  I tried not to feel hurt  I didn’t feel I deserved the right.

However, grief is far greater if you don’t allow yourself to mourn. All the built-up feelings of sadness and pain were festering internally. To free myself from this mental battle, I had to find an answer to the question:

What Gives Me The Right to Mourn?

First and foremost, I am human. I can mourn the loss of an old friend with whom I shared some of the most defining years of my life. So I guess you can say that the memories give me the right to mourn. 

We mourn for those we lose, whether we’re actively in their lives or not, because of the memories. It’s how we felt when Kobe Bryant passed. This understanding helped me permit myself to mourn the loss of my estranged friend. 

Although we have gone estranged for years, the love never stopped. I wish I would’ve said and done more. I can only hope that in the time we spent as friends before the silent season; That you knew just how much I cared. 

I hope you are no longer in pain or suffering. I will cherish the times that we’ve spent together and continue to replay the lessons you’ve taught me. 

1. Dressing up and putting yourself together is not for anyone else, it is the gift you give yourself. 2. She is clothed in strength and dignity and she laughs without fear of the future. -Prov.31:25 3. No one is you and that is your superpower 

Sleep Peacefully LaShyra. I will think of you often. 🕊

– SimplyJaneen ❤️