First and foremost, Happy Black History Month! I purchased a few pieces from Target’s BHM collection in preparation for Black History Month. The in-store section is amazing! You can find items for everyone from babies to adults. They have books, apparel, tote bags, and a lot more. Three of the designs featured in the collection are created by up-and-coming black designers that attend HBCUs. You have to get there early before all the smaller sizes sell out, but it’s definitely worth a glance. Target has long before supported black people by creating a space for their products on their shelves, and it’s nice to see the support continuously evolve in their business model. Despite them magically taking all my money every time I step into their doors, I am thankful to and for them.
WHAT I WATCHED
I FINALLY watched Insecure. Okay, more like binged watched. Let me just say that it probably wasn’t one of my better ideas. I stayed up until 4 AM watching the show and then turned around the very next morning to finish the final season. It was phenomenal! It also was extremely triggering.
I related so much with the characters and their stories, from Issa and Lawrence’s love story to Molly and Issa’s Friendship. In college, I had a friend group like that, and I really thought it would go the distance, but unfortunately, a comeback for us was just not in the cards. We couldn’t come back the last time around. Friendship breakups are one of the most heartbreaking experiences, and I grieve the loss loudly from time to time. When I finally feel like the pain is finally starting to silence, it finds a different route to seep out of and flares up once triggered. Watching Insecure was the trigger this time.
A lot of the show served as a reflection of what would have happened in my own life had things gone differently. What would have happened if my friendships bounced back? What would have happened if that relationship lasted? Could I have stayed through my significant other having a child with someone else? Insecure left me with so many “What Ifs.” So much so that it’s safe to say I need to secure a new therapist ASAP to process these feelings.
WHAT I BOUGHT:
What haven’t I bought should be the question this week 😂 I am sick of me! My debit card is tired, and my credit card needs some relief. Personally, it’s not totally my fault per se. I was trying to get my house together for a visit. The person ended up flaking, and while I was disappointed, the positive part in it all was that it forced me to spend money on myself and my home.
I hung pictures, bought new clothes, and decorated the dining area wall. One thing to know about me is I will penny-pinch. I can spend money on everyone but myself. However, if I spend money on myself, I’ll experience buyer’s remorse. I know it’s very strange, but true. So shout out to the gift of disappointment because oftentimes it is out of it that something good comes from it. Here’s a video of me decorating the dining area:
WHERE I WENT:
My Houston coworker came into town, so the Atlanta team got together and went out for drinks and food at Nouveau. The name is important to remember because the food was actually good! You all know how much I have been struggling to find good food out here. We sampled all of the appetizers, and everything I tasted was delicious. In the end, I think they were impressed with the check that we ran up because the manager came over to talk to us, and we got to salute the chef. I don’t know what they are paying that man, but he needs a raise the way he put his foot all in the food. He cooks everything to order! I saw him sit down once the restaurant was approaching closing time, and it took everything in me not to go over there and offer to rub that man’s feet (do you know how good the food has to be for me to want to rub some feet? 🤯 ) Anyways, I am building my list of good eats here, and this is officially the second entry on my list.
WHAT YOU MISSED:
Valentine’s Day!! Every year for the past two years, I have felt so loved on this day. The reason for that is that my friends have found ways to surprise me and make me feel seen without me ever having to ask. This year was no exception. My friends Jess and Amberly invited me for a virtual dinner. Although I needed to work late that night, I decided that yes was a better response to this invitation. I ordered all the ingredients of the meal we would be making and smiled the entire time. I am so grateful for them. Once we finished cooking, we plated the food and ate dinner over candlelight. Thank you guys for loving me so well and always seeing me for me. They may kill me for this, but I have to post this picture from that day because it’s truly special to me.
WHAT’S ON MY MIND:
Recently someone I didn’t want to have access to me found my blog. It no longer felt like my safe space or like my outlet. I was ready to close up shop because of it but had to remember that Nobody puts Baby in a corner.
Honestly, I’ve been feeling like that on and off for the past few weeks outside of this situation. I even found myself asking my friends if they ever felt like disappearing? I find that when I post something on social media, I immediately have “posting remorse” and want to shrivel up into a ball and hide. It’s as if I instantly regret what I put out there. It gives me more anxiety to share something on the media because then, I feel like I am standing center stage, exposed with all eyes on me. It’s as if by simply posting a photo, I am drawing unwanted attention. I’ve even gone so far as to archive all my pictures in an attempt to “hide.”
I wonder why this is happening. Even while typing this, I am trying to narrow down why I experience this type of remorse. Am I the only one it happens to? As a result of these foreign feelings, I ended up deciding to deactivate my profiles. I plan to keep them that way until I can figure out why it was causing me so much inner turmoil. So far, I am looking at my intent behind posting certain posts, the accessibility to my content by the public, feeling like a fraud by posting a happy picture – knowing that the season can change.
It’s Above me now. I wanted to leave it at that, but I guess I should add some verbiage to this section. Here it is: Lord, I give it all to You 😂 . You know my heart’s desires, but I can’t keep focusing on this. It’s distracting me from my hustle and my goals. This is hard because it’s one of those areas you have absolutely no control over. It happens when it happens, and there’s nothing much you can do about it. You just have to wait for your time. I know that I have the career, home, and the means to build a family. In the same breath, I also know that it’s not in my hands. I have to trust that God got me. (Definitely easier said than done) However, I need to focus, and this is one of those things that I have to hand over to free up mental space. I am leaving it in the BEST hands that I could though.
– SimplyJaneen ❤️